


karkat voices his immense hate for starbucks

by karkat_marx



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M, Starbucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:42:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23162683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karkat_marx/pseuds/karkat_marx
Summary: wacky troll do characteristic thing
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	karkat voices his immense hate for starbucks

**Author's Note:**

> im probably gonna orphan this but whatever

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?  
KARKAT: STARBUCKS.  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: why  
DAVE: i mean not that i blame you or anything but literally the only thing that makes starbucks even remotely different from any other coffee place is the fact that the drinks are overpriced and are like the fucking nectar of the gods for annoying 16 year old girls  
DAVE: which is only a minor inconvenience at best that people blow out of proportion because they want something to hate  
KARKAT: YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?  
KARKAT: ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN.  
KARKAT: LET'S SAY FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT THAT YOU WENT TO STARBUCKS FOR A CUP OF COFFEE. A TERRIBLE DECISION ON YOUR PART, BUT WHO CARES, RIGHT? COFFEE'S COFFEE.  
KARKAT: YOU WALK UP TO THE COUNTER, AND LO, SOMETHING BLOCKS YOUR PATH.  
KARKAT: IN FRONT OF YOU IS AN ENDLESS STREAM OF PEOPLE THAT STRETCHES ON FOR FUCKING *MILES*.  
KARKAT: NOW, THAT INITIAL DISTURBANCE SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO DETER YOU FROM EVEN ENTERTAINING THE IDEA OF GOING THROUGH WITH ORDERING A DRINK. BUT DAMNIT, YOU WANT CAFFEINE. AND BY GOD, YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING GET IT.  
KARKAT: AFTER SEVERAL LONG YEARS OF WAITING, YOU REACH THE FRONT OF THE LINE. BUT IN FRONT OF YOU IN SAID LINE IS NONE OTHER THAN A TEEN GIRL WEARING BOOTY SHORTS AND A FLOWER CROWN HEADBAND.  
DAVE: god  
DAVE: i think i know where this is going  
DAVE: i HATE when that shit happens  
KARKAT: RIGHT? AND WHEN THEY ORDER, IT'S ALWAYS A BUNCH OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE FUCKING GIBBERISH THAT YOU CAN TELL IS SUCKING AWAY THE LIFE FORCE OF THE BARISTA AT THE COUNTER, WHO OBVIOUSLY CAN NEVER CATCH A FUCKING BREAK IN THIS HELLHOLE.  
KARKAT: THE TEENAGE GIRL OPENS UP HER TRAP AND STARTS SHOOTING HER ORDER AT THE BARISTA. SHE ASKS FOR A "PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE WITH A PUMP OF VANILLA SYRUP, A PUMP OF RASPBERRY SYRUP, TWO PUMPS OF PEPPERMINT SYRUP, TWO SHOTS OF VODKA, A PINCH OF MATCHA POWDER, AND AN ENTIRE HANDFUL OF TOFFEE NUT," OR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES THAT DOESN'T GO TOGETHER BUT THAT SHE ASSURES THE BARISTA TASTES, AND I QUOTE, "LIKE, TOTALLY AMAZEBALLS."  
KARKAT: THE BARISTA WRITES EVERYTHING DOWN, VISIBLY WEARY.  
KARKAT: BUT WAIT!  
DAVE: oh god  
KARKAT: IT SEEMS THE GIRL IN FRONT OF YOU HAS FORGOTTEN SOMETHING!  
KARKAT: SHE REPEATS HER ENTIRE ORDER, BUT THIS TIME, SHE ADDS ANOTHER FUCKING PUMP OF WHATEVER THE FUCK KIND OF FLAVORED SYRUP SHE CAN COME UP WITH OFF THE TOP OF HER HEAD TO THE MIX.  
KARKAT: AND FINALLY, AFTER SHE GIVES THE BARISTA HER NAME, IT IS YOUR TURN TO ORDER. YOU HOLD THE SPOT IN THE FRONT OF THE LINE, AND YOU FEEL LIKE A *GOD* FOR IT.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT, TOO - A JAVA CHIP FRAPPUCINO.  
KARKAT: SO YOU ASK FOR IT, AND ONCE YOU DO, YOU ARE MET WITH A SUBTLE, BLINK-AND-YOU-MISS-IT LOOK OF SURPRISE ON THE BARISTA'S FACE, WHERE SHE THROWS HER EYEBROWS UP A LITTLE, AND HER EYES WIDEN EVER SO SLIGHTLY IN A WAY YOU'VE SEEN A MILLION TIMES BEFORE.  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY, SHE'S TAKEN ABACK BY THE FACT YOU'RE ORDERING A TRADITIONALLY "FEMININE" DRINK, BUT YOU COULDN'T CARE LESS. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. YOU JUST WANT YOUR FUCKING FRAPPUCINO.  
KARKAT: YOU TELL HER YOUR NAME. YOU SEE WHEN YOU GET YOUR DRINK THAT SHE SOMEHOW MUTILATED IT IN WAYS YOU DIDN'T THINK WERE POSSIBLE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE FINALLY, YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO QUENCH YOUR THIRST.  
KARKAT: AND AS YOU WALK OUT OF THE STORE, SOME GUY WEARING A MONSTER ENERGY DRINK T-SHIRT OR SOME SHIT LOOKS YOU SQUARE IN THE EYE AND SUCKS DOWN HIS CUP OF BLACK COFFEE, AS IF TO TAUNT YOU, AS IF YOU'D TAKE ANY AMOUNT OF SHIT FROM SOME HEINOUS FUCKSACK LIKE HIM.  
KARKAT: NEEDLESS TO SAY, STARBUCKS IS HORRIBLE, AND MY BURNING HATRED FOR IT KNOWS NO BOUNDS.  
DAVE:  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: holy shit  


**Author's Note:**

> an actual, non-satire fanfiction? on MY account? its more likely than you think


End file.
